| Jokes
and Funnies...............
 Gabriel
came to the Lord nd said, "I have to talk to you, I have
Black folks up here in Heaven who are causing some problems.
They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing,
barbecue sauce is all over their robes, hamhock, sparerib,
and pigfeet bones are all over the streets of Gold. Some folk
are walking around with one wing.
They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway
to heaven clean.
there are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. Some of them
aren't even wearing their halos, saying that it is messin
up their hair.
The Lord said "I made them special, as I did you, my
angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want
to know about problems, let's call the Devil.
The Devil answered the phone, Hello? Dang, hold on. The Devil
returned to the phone and said Hello Lord, what can I do for
You? The Lord replied, Tell me what kind of problems you are
having down there, The Devil said, wait one minute, and put
the Lord on hold.
After 5 minutes he returned to the phone and siaid Okay I'm
back. What was the questiion? The Lord said, What kind of
problems are you having down there?
The Devil said, "Man I don't belie......hold on, Lord"
. This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned
and said, I'M sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Negroes
dun put the fire out, and are trying to install air conditioning!
|
| HARLEM
SPELLING BEE
Leroy
is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's Ebonics
homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a
sentence.
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tell everybody.
2. Dictate - My girfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night.
Man, somebody get
that catacomb.
4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss
disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and
said penis.
8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man,
it look
fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel".
9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment
undermine.
10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic
and took me
to the poolroom.
11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle, iraq,
you break.
12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do
you plan on
stain for dinner?"
13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?"
she say fortify."
14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife. |
Cumming
Once upon a time
in China, lived two Chinamen. One
named I cum and one named No cum. No cum married a
pretty Chinese girl named No cum tu. For very obvious
reason No cum and No cum tu did not have any children.
One day, No cum went out of town on business and I cum
came over and spent the night with No cum tu. That
night I cum came and No cum tu came too. This make
both very happy.
However about 7 or 8 months later, No cum see he about
to become father but he not know how come, so when
baby come, he named it, How cum u cum. Of course, I
cum and No cum tu know How cum u cum came but to this
day No cum not know how come How cum u cum came!
Cum again? |
MAYONNAISE
JAR
When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when
24
hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar......and
the
beer.
A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some
items in
front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked
up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with
golf
balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed
that it
was.
So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into
the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into
the open
areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again
if the
jar was full. They agreed it was.
The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into
the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once
more if
the
jar was full. The students responded w! ith a unanimous "Yes."
The Professor then produced two cans of beer from under the
table and
poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling
the empty
space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now", said the Professor, as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - your family, your
children,
your health, your friends, your favorite passions - things
that if
everything else was lost and only they remained, your life
would still
be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job,
your
house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first", he continued,
"there is no
room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for
life. If you
spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will
never have
room for the things that are ! important to you. Pay attention
to the
things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your
children.
Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to
dinner.
Play
another 18. There will always be time to clean the house,
and fix the
disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that
really
matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
When he had finished, there was a profound silence. Then one
of the
students raised her hand and with a puzzled _expression, inquired
what
the beer represented.
The Professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes
to show you
that
no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room
for a couple
of beers." |
|
El Vaquero
(The Mexican Cowboy) and his Chihuahua, Chilito, are
camping in the desert. He sets up their tent and both are
soon
asleep.
Some hours later, El Vaquero wakes his faithful friend. "Chilito,
look up at
the sky and tell me what you see." Chilito replies, "I
see millions
of stars, senor.
" What does that tell you?" asks El Vaquero.
Chilito ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions
of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets.Astrologically, it tells
me that
Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately
quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is
all-powerful, and
we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems
we will
have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, senor?"
El Vaquero is silent for a moment, and then says,
"Chilito, you pendejo. Someone has stolen our tent!"
|
A
bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
and
everyone inside dies. They
then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they
have
experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before
they enter
Paradise.
They're
all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and
it is done.
The second
one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous
too."
Another
snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes
on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the
last guy in
line starts laughing.
When there
are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing
his butt off.
Finally,
God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy
calms down and says......
"Make
'em all ugly again".
|
Subject: I' LL PAY NEXT WEEK ST.MAARTEN STYLE
St. Maartener goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night
and finds himself
a prostitute. He asks her, "How much do you charge
for an hour?"
"$100," she replies.
So he asks, "Okay do you do St. Maarten style?"
She says "No!"
He then asks her, "I'll pay you $200 to do it
St. Maarten style?"
She again says no, not knowing what St. Maarten style
is! So he
then offers her $300. Again she declines his offer.
So finally he says, "I'll give you $500 to go
St. Maarten style
with me!
Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in
the game for over
10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every
kind of request
from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad
could St. Maarten style
be?"
So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in
every kind of way and in
every possible position.
Finally, after several intense hours finishes. Exhausted,
the
hooker turns to him and says, expecting something perverted
and
disgusting. Where does the 'St. Maarten style' come
in?
The St. Maartener replies... "I go pay yuh next
week!"
NEXT A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please
come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend
asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help
with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has
the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces
for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,"First
of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax.
Let's have a drink, then ..." he sighed, "let's put
all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
NEXT.
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a
book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little
boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was
a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied
"My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I
am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has
4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his
collar that way.
The priest getting impatient said "I am the Father
of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned
over and said, "Well maybe you should wear your pants backwards
instead of your collar."
ANOTHER
|
Marketing
The
buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However,
most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You
go up to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed," That's Direct
Marketing.
You're at a party
with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says,
"She's
fantastic in bed," That's Advertising.
You see a handsome
guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say,"Hi,
I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at
a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up
to him and pour him a drink. You say,"May I," and
reach up to straighten his
tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then
say, "By
the way, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Public Relations.
You're at a party
and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says,"I hear you're fantastic in bed," That's Brand
Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into
going
home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep. Your friend can't
satisfy him so
he calls you. That's Tech Support.
You're on your
way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb
onto the roof
of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of
your lungs,
"I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail. |
You
know you're flying Air Jamaica when............
You get to the airport before the ticket
counter staff...
Everybody is checking in suitcases the size
of a refrigerator....
The person beside you taps you on your shoulder
and says .." beg
yu check een dis ya piece ah luggage fah
mi nuh... DO!"
Everybody makes a bolt for the gate when
the announcer on the p.a.
systems says that ".. this is NOT a
boarding annoncement."
You can't get on board because somebody in
front of you is trying
to get a Toyota engine block into the overhead
compartment..
You can only get the Observer to read...
Everybody is trying to figure out what "Port
of Embarkation"
means...
When the passenger next to you slowly leans
away from you while
raising one leg and mutters .. "Yes
bwoy, DAT is gas!"
Somebody hands a flight attendant a paper
bag and asks her to
"heat up dis ya patty fi mi nuh baby"
When the plane starts to descend, a woman
in the seat behind you
says to her friend... "Come Darris,
time fi go tile-it an' tidy!"
The overhead compartment smells like fish
and rum.... then it
starts to drip on you...
Most of the passengers clap and clap when
de pile-at lan de plane
genkle..
Every body who have a big screen TV, a boom-box
and a microwave go
straight to the "Nothing to Declare"
line. |
| Live
< ! Love *! Laugh =)!
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
THE MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.
================================================
My wife
and I have the secret to making a marriage last:
Two times
a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also
sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.
I take
my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked
my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
We always
hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has
an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place
to sit down!".
So I bought her an electric chair.
Remember....
Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married
Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't
spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt
her.
The last
fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"....
I said, "Dust!"
In the
beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do
men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to'.
|
| Have
fun with the laughs!
Ever wonder if Jamaican buses were set up
like Airlines with the flight attendant and captain giving
safety instructions?
Check dis out...
Bus driver speaking on the intercom :
"Welcome to Bus numba 40, running from
Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct your attention
to di Ducta who will instruct yuh on our safety and model
features."
ConDucta: "Hail up massive! We want you
to know that you are riding on the safest bus dat run pan
di Paipine to Down town route. The mogle of our bus is a 1980
Elcava, owned and operated by Rough Rider transports. Dis
mogle can survive any adversities an cantravasies. As unu
can si dis bus get nuff lick up an bad man shot it up nuff
time an it still a drive like new!
Dis bus seat up to 55 passengers, howeva,
due to our commitment to hexcellent service, wi do not leave
anybady straddling in di streets. So expect to have up to
140 people in yah by di time wi reach down town.
During di journey we may encounta unexpected
turbulences. These are known as pot holes. In di case of a
sudden bump please refrain fram bawling out 'Lard Jesas mi
dead now!' Our driva is an experience driva an will mek sure
di axle an wheel noh bruck aff ina one a dem.
But incase wi drap ina one an caan come out
please do not climb troo di window dem til unu pay unu bus
fare else I will shat unu r*ss wid mi 45.
This bus not equipped with seat belts. Please
hole on pon di railing when di bus a tun di carna dem. The
bus is capable of driving pon 2 wheels around all corners
and bends. When di bus a tun one wicked carna pon 2 wheelie,
wi ask dat our seating passengers bear it if smaddy slide
dung ina dem seat an squash yuh gainst di bus side.
Our seating passengers may experience standing
passengers loosing dem balance an falling ova pon unu .. please
do not yell out, 'Hey batty bway, come off a mi R*ss Lap!'
Dat may cause a serious shoot out!
On exiting the bus please don't expect di
bus to come to a full stop. Wi asking dat yuh hop off a di
bus step skillfully .. if unu drap an lan pon unu backside
an bruck sinting, Rough Rider noh response. This is NOT a
non-stop journey. As a matta fact wi stop any which part wi
waan fi stop, at every yaad gate - all ina miggle road wi
stop.
Howeva dis bus noh stop fi police incase of
an unexpected police chase, the driva will be forced to increase
the bus' normal speed from 100 ml/hr to 160 ml/hr. Yuh will
be instructed to hole on tight an shet unu mout. Incase this
bus is hijacked by a terrorist known as "pick pocket",
hole di bway an murda im to r*ss.
With that said, if wi reach down town ina
one piece please prepare for new passengers fi shoob unu dung
before unu can get off. Noh mine dem as seat kina ration.
Tank yuh for teking di ireiest Rough Rider Elcava pon di route
..and hope you enjoy di ride.
DRIVA - PRESS OUT!!"
-------------------
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one
day and said to his wife “Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful
new system at de fire station...
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets!
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole!
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go!
From now on, when I says 'Bell One' me want
you to strip naked.
When I says Bell Two', you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell Tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night he came home and shouted
'Bell One' and she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree', and they started to make love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell
Four".
"An what de hell is 'Bell Four'?",
the fireman yelled.
She replied "Roll out more hose, man,
roll out more hose. You aint nowhere near de fire."
-------------------------------
The West Indies coach had put together his
team for the World Cup Cricket tournament. The only thing
that was missing was a good bowler. He had scouted all the
colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find
a ringer bowler who could ensure a World Cup win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene
in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted
a young Afghanistan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He
threw a hand grenade straight into a 3rd story window 200
yards away, ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a
group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away, ka-blooey! Then a car
passed, going 90 mph, bulls-eye!
"I've got to get this guy!" Said
Roger Harper to himself. "HE has the perfect arm!"
So he finds the young soldier, brings him
to Jamaica and teaches him the great game of cricket.
The West Indies go on to finally win the World
Cup and Roger Harper is very happy... The young Afghani is
hailed as the Great Hero of West Indies cricket, and when
Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do
is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I
just won the World Cup!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the
old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."
"I don't think you understand, Mother!"
the young man pleads. "I single-handedly ended the slump
West Indies cricket has been in for the last few years. I'm
here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," his mother
retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all
around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week,
and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."
The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "... I'll...
I'll... I'll never forgive you for making us move to Kingston!"
|
| http://www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/saddam_outkast.asp
|
The
wish
Gentlemen,
I know you will ALL appreciate this!
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one
wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in
a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED
to be faithful to me always, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive
over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request
is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind
of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific! Think of all the concrete and steel it would
take! I can do it... but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think
of another wish... a wish you think would honor and glorify
ME."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to
know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they
give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean
when they say nothing, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said........."You want two lanes
or four on that bridge?"
|
A LITTLE BOY GOES TO HIS DAD AND ASKS, "WHAT IS
POLITICS?"
DAD SAYS, "WELL SON, LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT THIS
WAY:
I'M THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY, SO CALL ME THE PRESIDENT.
YOUR MOTHER IS THE ADMINISTRATOR OF THE MONEY,
SO CALL HER THE GOVERNMENT.
WE'RE HERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR NEEDS,
SO WE'LL CALL YOU THE PEOPLE.
THE NANNY, WE'LL CONSIDER THE WORKING CLASS,
AND YOUR BABY BROTHER, WE'LL CALL HIM THE FUTURE.
NOW THINK ABOUT THAT AND SEE IF IT MAKES ANY SENSE."
SO THE LITTLE BOY GOES OFF TO BED THINKING ABOUT WHAT
DAD HAS SAID.
LATER THAT NIGHT, HE HEARS HIS BABY BROTHER CRYING,
SO HE GETS UP TO CHECK ON HIM.
HE FINDS THAT THE BABY HAS SEVERELY SOILED HIS DIAPER.
SO THE LITTLE
BOY GOES TO HIS PARENT'S ROOM AND
FINDS HIS MOTHER SOUND ASLEEP.
NOT WANTING TO WAKE HER, HE GOES TO THE NANNY'S ROOM.
FINDING THE DOOR LOCKED,
HE PEEKS IN THE KEYHOLE AND SEES HIS FATHER
IN BED WITH THE NANNY.
HE GIVES UP AND GOES BACK TO BED.
THE NEXT MORNING THE LITTLE BOY SAYS TO HIS FATHER,
"DAD, I THINK I UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF POLITICS
NOW."
THE FATHER SAYS, "GOOD, SON, TELL ME IN YOUR OWN WORDS
WHAT
YOU THINK POLITICS IS ALL ABOUT."
THE LITTLE BOY REPLIES,
"THE PRESIDENT IS SCREWING THE WORKING CLASS WHILE
THE GOVERNMENT IS SOUND ASLEEP.
THE PEOPLE ARE BEING IGNORED AND THE FUTURE
IS IN DEEP SHIT. |
Blacks
versus Niggaz
This is
a "little rough" around the edges (so brace yourself)
but it makes a point.
The Difference...
Contrary to what many may think, there is a difference between
Black People and Niggaz...
Black People spend thousands of dollars on higher education
and see the value of owning real estate.
Niggaz spend thousands of dollars on ''getting high"
and are concerned only with keepin' it real..
When Black People have children, they try to get better paying
jobs to make sure they can support their child...
When Niggaz have children, they change jobs to avoid paying
child support.
When Black People have children, they invest in college plans,
piano lessons and braces...
When Niggaz have children they invest in designer clothes,
platinum jewelry and mini-Air Jordans.
Black People watch out for their neighbors and understand
the importance of strong neighborhoods...
Niggaz watch their neighbors, and look for an opportunity
to take advantage of their weaknesses.
Black People appreciate the sacrifices made for them by, their
families to help them get ahead in life...
Niggaz will sacrifice their Families and steal from them in
order to get their next high.
Black People appreciate expensive jewelry designer clothes
and nice cars but realize that they don't make the person...
Niggaz define themselves by their designer clothes platinum
jewelry and nice cars.
Black People will know the people at their local bank branch
by first name...
Niggaz will know the people at the neighborhood Check Cashers
and liquor store by first name.
Black People see hard working brothers and sisters with legitimate
jobs as potential mates...
Niggaz won't even look at you if you're not a Hustler, Baller
or a Bad Ass Bitch.
Black People will work hard to be innovative or to build something
out of nothing.
Niggaz will work hard at getting something for nothing.
Black People work hard all week and then go out on the weekend
to relax and chill at the few Black nightspots we have...
Niggaz relax and chill all week and then go out on the weekends
and work hard to mess up the few Black nightspots we have.
In the words of Chris Rock, "I love Black people... but
I can't stand Niggaz!!
Do you know the difference and which one are you ??? |
4
miracles of a woman:
* getting wet without taking a shower
* bleeding without getting hurt
* giving milk without eating grass
* and making boneless flesh hard
25 useless things in a man:
20 nails
02 nipples that don't milk
02 balls that you cannot play with. &
01 cock that does not lay egg.
Girls reaction to penis sizes:
9'' - oh shit pain!
7'' - oh yes, yum!
6'' - oh perfect!
5'' - mmm ok!
4'' - push more!
3'' - is it in?
2'' - idiot! Just use your tongue.
Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Airport (flat)
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
Women are unpredictable:
Before marriage, she expects a man.
After marriage, she suspects her man.
& After his death, she respects him.
During pregnancy:
The 1st three months, do it the normal style
Next three months do it the doggy style
And the last three months do it the wolf style.
sit outside the hole and howl.
Latest statistics on 'what men do after SEX???
2% eat
3% smoke cigarettes
4% take a shower
5% go to sleep
86% get up and go back home to their wife. HOW TRUE!!!
What is common between a passionate kiss and a spider?
"Both lead to the undoing of the fly".
What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
"
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."
Eve: " Adam, do you love me?"
Adam: " No, I don't."
Eve (crying): " Then why did you make love to me?"
Adam: " Hello!!! As if I had other choices."
A wife complains to the doctor that her hubby is 300% impotent.
The doc asks "how 300%?"
She sayz: "you know about the 100%, and now he has
broken his finger and burnt his tongue."
Policeman arrested a prostitute.
Prostitute: "I'm not selling sex!
Policeman: "Then what are you doing?"
Prostitute: "I'm selling condoms and offering free demo.
Life is like a penis:
Sometimes up, sometimes down,
Sometimes hard, sometimes soft,
Sometimes big, sometimes small,
Sometimes in, sometimes out,
So ENJOY penis.
ooops!! ENJOY LIFE
|
PUSH!
A man
was sleeping one night in his cabin when suddenly his room
filled with
light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work
for him to do,
and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord
explained that
the man was to push against the rock with all his might.
So, this
the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from
sun up to
sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive
surface of
the unmoving rock, pushing with all of his might. Each night
the man
returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his
whole day had been
spent in vain.
Since
the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan)
decided to
enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind:
"You have been
pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't moved."
Thus,
he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible
and that
he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened
the man. Satan
said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your
time, giving just the
minimum effort; and that will be good enough."
That's
what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a
matter of
prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord. "Lord,"
he said, "I
have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my
strength to do
that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have
not even budged
that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?
The Lord
responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you
to serve Me
and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against
the rock
with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once
did I mention to
you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push.
And now you come
to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed.
But, is
that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and
muscled,
your back sinewy and brown; your hands are callused from constant
pressure,
your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition
you have grown
much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to
have. True, you
haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient
and to push and
to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. That you have
done. Now I, my
friend, will move the rock."
At times,
when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect
to
decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just
a simple
obedience and faith in Him. By all means, exercise the faith
that moves
mountains, but know that it is still God who moves the mountains.
When everything
seems to go wrong ... just P.U.S.H.!
When the
job gets you down ... just P.U.S.H.!
When people
don't react the way you think they should ... just P.U.S.H.!
When your
money is "gone" and the bills are due ... just P.U.S.H!
When people
just don't understand you ... just P.U.S.H.!
P= Pray
U= Until
S= Something
H= Happens
|
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several
years, decided
they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they
arrived, the
madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to
waste any of her
girls on these two old men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls
in each man's room
and left them to their business. After the two men were finished,
they
started walking home and began to talking. The first man said,
"I think the
girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned...
how was it
for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When
I nibbled on her
breast..... she farted and flew out the window!"
|
What
a smart guy !!
A
guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked
up behind
him and whacked him on the head with a newspaper.
"What was that for?" he asked. "That was for
the piece of paper
in your
pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she
replied.
"Two
weeks
ago
when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of
the
horses I bet
on,"
he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should
have known there was
a good
explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she
walked
up. She
hit him in the head again, this time with the cast iron skillet,
which
knocked
him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied "Your horse called." |
TAKE HOLD OF EVERY MOMENT
A
friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked
up a silk
paper wrapped package:
"This, - he said - isn't any ordinary package."
He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the
box.
"She got this the first time we went to New York, 8 or
9 years ago. She has
never put it on. Was saving it for a special occasion.
Well, I guess this is it. He got near the bed and placed the
gift box next
to the other clothings he was taking to the funeral house, his
wife had just
died. He turned to me and said:
"Never save something for a special occasion. Every day
in your life is a
special occasion".
I still think those words changed my life.
Now I read more and clean less.
I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.
I spend more time with my family, and less at work.
I understood that life should be a source of experience to be
lived up to,
not survived through. I no longer keep anything. I use crystal
glasses every
day. I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if i feel
like it.
I don't save my special perfume for special occasions, I use
it whenever I
want to. The words "Someday..." and "One Day..."
are fading away from my
dictionary. If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want
to see, listen
or do it now. I don't know what my friend's wife would have
done if she knew
she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell.
I think she
might have called her relatives and closest friends.
She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels.
I'd like to
think she would go out for Chinese, her favourite food. It's
these small
things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had
come.
I would regret it, because I would no longer see the friends
I would meet,
letters... letters that i wanted to write "One of this
days".
I would regret and feel sad, because I didn't say to my brothers
and sons,
not times enough at least, how much I love them.
Now, I try not to delay, postpone or keep anything that could
bring laughter
and joy into our lives.
And, on each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special
day.
Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.
If you got this, it's because someone cares for you and because,
probably,
there's someone you care about.
If you're too busy to send this out to other people and you
say to yourself
that you will send it "One of these days", remember
that "One day" is far
away... or might never come... |
| That
Smell
A man
and a woman are driving around when they see a wounded skunk
on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out and
she picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says
"Look, it's shivering it must be cold. What should I
do?"
He say's
"Put it between your legs."
She say's
"What about the smell?"
He say's
"Don't worry, just hold it's nose.:
The top
10 reosons Why it sucks to be a
dick!
10. You
got a whole in your head.
9 . Your
master strangles you all the time.
8. Your
head is disproportionate to the
rest
of your body.
7. You
shrink in cold water.
6. You
hardly if ever get a haircut.
5. You
always hang around with 2 nuts, in
fact,
they're your best buds.
4. Your
closest neighbour is an asshole.
3. Your
best friend is a pussy .
2. Your
scalp gets cut off if your parents
find
it necessary.
and the
number one reason why is sucks to be a dick:
1. Everytime
you get excited, you throw up.
|
A
little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I
have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.
My farts
never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've
farted at
least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't
know I
was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The
doctor says,
"I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says,
"I don't know
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still
silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your
sinuses,
let's work on your hearing. |
black
panties
Sherry
lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten
out
of her mourning stage.
Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating
world.
Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone
for you to meet."
Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another
and after dating
for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the
mountains.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she
stands nude
except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday
suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours
to explore, but
down there I am still in mourning."
Now he knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there
with the black
panties on, and he is in his birthday suit... except... that
he has a black
condom over his erection.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with the... uh...
black condom?".......
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.
|
Now
this is a true Jamaican!!
An
office manager was given the task of hiring an individual
to fill a job
opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found
four people of
different nationalities who were equally qualified. He decided
to call the
four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine
who
would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room
table, the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know
of?" pointing to the
man on his right.
The first man, an Englishman, replied "A thought".
It pops into your head.
There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there.
A thought is
the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the Interviewer. And
now you sir, he asked the
second man, a Chinese. "Hmm....let me see, A blink! It
comes and goes and
you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing
I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink
of an eye. That's a very
popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to the third man, an American, who was contemplating
his
reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of
the house and on the
wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way
out across the
pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant."
Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer
was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.
Turning to the fourth man, a Jamaican, he posed the question.
"Bwoy, after
hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that
the fastest thing known is
diarrhea" said the Jamaican.
"WHAT!?" said the Interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain, man." said Jamaican, "You
see the other day I wasn't
feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could
think, blink
or turn on the light, I shit my pants!"
Hahahahahahhahaha!!
|
|
The recently married Red-neck
A Red-neck got married, and on his wedding night he called
his father on
his cell phone for advice on what to do, since he had never
been intimate with a
woman before. "We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do
now?" Thinking that nature
would take its course, the father replied, "Take her
clothes off and then
you both get in bed." The young Red-neck calls his dad
5 minutes later and says,
She's naked and we're in bed. What do I do now?" Knowing
his son wasn't the
brightest Red-neck, his dad asked, "Did you take your
clothes off too?" "No
" the son replies. "Well, take your clothes off
and get back in bed with her.
The son calls back a few minutes later and says, "We're
both naked and in bed.
What do I do now?" The father's patience is quickly running
out, and he growls,
"Look, son, do I have to spell everything out? Just stick
the hardest thing
on your body where she pees!" The son calls again a minute
later. "Ok, Pa. I've got
my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?"
|
Pastor's
Ass
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told
there
was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter
it in the
races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was
so high
that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and
entered
it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S
ASS SHOWS.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it
in the race
again, and this time it won.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to
get rid of
the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the
next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey,
so she
sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy
back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
Headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day. |
The
PHARMACIST
A young
man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist
tells him that they come in packs of 3, 9 and 12. He then
asks the young man which one he wants. "Well he says,
I've been seeing this girl for a while now and she's really
HOTT. I'm buying these condoms because I'm hoping that tonight's
gonna be the night."
"I'm having dinner with her and her parents
tonight and then I'm gonna take her to the movies. After that,
well probably go take a stroll on the beach, you know get
her into the right mood. I'll say lots of nice stuff to her,
you know stuff that a girl loves to hear. You're so beautiful
and smart and humorous. I would move the stars and the moon
to be with you. Being alone with you means the world to me.When
I found you I knew that I had found love and beauty itself.
I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. That should
put her in the mood to be fondled a bit. A man's gotta do,
what he has to do to to get him some nooky you know what I
mean? Once she has had me once, she'll want me all the time
so you better give me two 12 packs."
Meanwhile the pharmacist stood there annoyingly listening
to this young man babble on and on and thinking 'at least
he's smart enough to buy condoms'. The young man makes his
purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he shows up at his girlfriend's who opens
the door for him. He comes in and gives his girl a rose and
also hands a bouquet of flowers to her mom who is standing
close by. Introductions are made and they all go into the
dining room to have dinner. His girlfriends mom asks the him
if he would do the honor of saying grace. He agrees, and just
as he was about to start saying grace her dad walks in the
front door and proceeds to the dining room. The young man
immediately closes his eyes and starts saying grace. He begins
the prayer but continues praying for more than 15 minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that
you were such a religious person?" He leans over and
says, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT YOUR FATHER WAS A FREAKING
PHARMACIST?
|
| Jamaican
Lotto
Lotto
What
a liberty taking people dem
This
is really funny.
Recently
this Jamaican won the 10 million special lottery for a
dollar.
As soon
as the office of the Lottery Corporation was open on the
following
day
,
he was there to collect his winnings. Graciously, he presented
his winning
ticket to the clerk and in his best english uttered his request
"
Me
cum fi collect the 10
millian dallars, si me ticket ya".
After
reviewing and checking the ticket with his manager, the
clerk
returned
and requested on how he would like his payments. The
jamaican
replied
"Mi wan all a de moni now". "Unfortunately,
Sir" the
nervous
clerkresponded
"The procedures are that we can only give you one
million
now and the balance equally over the next 20 years".
Furious and agitated, the
Jamaican
asked for the manager, who re-iterated "Sir, my assistant
is
correct,
it is the regulation of the Corporation that we
initially
pay you one million dollars now with the balance paid to you
equally over the next 20 years".
Outraged,
the jamaican slammed his hand on the desk and shouted in anger,
"Unu
tek me fi idiat, I wan all a de moni now or gi me bak me dallar".
|
Dem
West Indian People
A Canadian Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the
Guyanese driver that because he was wearing his seatbelt he
had
just won $5,000 in the state safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the
policeman.
"Well, I goin get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the Trini woman
in the
passenger's seat... "He's a smart ass when he drunk."
This woke up the Bajan guy in the back seat, who took one look
at the cop and moaned, "I knew we was not gonna get far
in dis
thiefin car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican
voice said,in patois, "Yow!,I man mek it Crass di barder
yet?"
They all were very nervous.
The patrolman said, "I always loved the island music but
never
understood the words. Here's your voucher, have a nice day".
|
Enjoy!
You non-Jamaicans don't laugh too much
A Jamaican couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary
on the beach in Montego Bay. Their domestic tranquillity had
long been
the talk of the town. What a peaceful & loving couple".
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of
their
long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,"
explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip
down to the
bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my
wife's
horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down
at the horse
and quietly said, 'That's once" We proceeded a little further
and the
horse
stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once
more my
wife quietly said,' "That's twice.
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for
a third time. My
wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the
horse dead.
"I
shouted at her,
"Is wa du yu gyal, why u lick shot affa di poor hanimal
like dat, yu mad?"
when she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.
"And from that moment we have lived happily ever after!".
|
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